My wife and I are apartment hunting again. This reminds me why I hate looking for a new place to live. Here are a few pet peeves, some from Craigslist/classified services and the rest from the overall rental process.
1. Craigslist posts with generic email addresses (i.e. laishome@inbox.com) and identical photos posted on disparate listings clearly trolling to spam you. I will flag you all day and then come back and flag you again.
2. Posts that are purposefully miscategorized. Don't post in the rental section looking for roommates. Don't post your "lease to own" in the rental section. Don't advertise your foreclosure lists in the rental section.
3. Posts with headlines for a 2BR that turn out to be a 1BR with a den or a "spacious" 1BR. Folks, we know what a bedroom is. It's not the living room.
4. Posts that don't list the street address or at least the nearest cross street. There's no "luxury" anything in Panorama City, which brings me to...
5. The rampant abuse of the English language. I've included a handy decoder, but when in doubt, assume the opposite.
Luxury - having at least two walls and a sink
Deluxe - comes with lettuce, tomato & a trash bin
Lush - a dusty ficus tree circa 1977 in the entryway
Gorgeous - walls have been painted white
Adjacent - when connected to a neighborhood name (i.e. Sherman Oaks-Adjacent), if you close your eyes and imagine as hard as you can, you'll still be 15 minutes from Sherman Oaks
Quiet Building - noisy neighborhood, lots of traffic and vagrants
Charm - a nice looking man died in here 20 years ago
Lavish - the toilet handle is gold-colored and the tile is pink
Reasonable - unreasonable
Lots of Extras - you don't have to pay the lawnmower guy to mow our property and you get your own mailbox!
Renovated/Remodeled - new paint, carpet, we cleaned the mold off the tub, the tile isn't pink anymore or it's even more pink than before!
1 comment:
Hilarious. You should be a writer. Or stand up.
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